Darth Vader: Sex Ed Teacher
by Not Elven
Summary: Darth Vader teaches Sex Ed. A week long commitment that could easily turn him to the...oh. ON HOLD UNTIL JULY 2007
1. Monday

Education

This was written in response to Kenya Starflight's fanfiction challenge. Write something, under a thousand words, mention a Star Wars bad guy. Had a weird night at fencing and, voila…

Young adolescents crowded into the dim room, girls on one side, boys on the other, all in the back half of the classroom. The absurdly bright outfits of the girls, coupled with the braces and barrettes were misleading, and only seemed to emphasize the somber atmosphere. Whispers spread slowly, soon they were punctuated by nervous giggles. The boys started in on their louder games, lewd jokes were being told, all about the lesson at hand. They might not have entirely understood them, but they laughed anyway.

"I heard," one girl said, cautioning against the jokes, "that if you even _smile_ during the movie, they'll give you a detention."

"Well, we'd better get it out of our systems now." One boy responded as he shoved his friend from his seat.

"They cannot." Scoffed an incredulous tomboy.

"Who's they?" asked a third girl.

"The teacher." The first girl responded. "And they can too!"

"Sez who?" snapped a second boy before shoving the first one to the floor and reclaiming the desk.

"Yo mama!" Retorted a random kid from behind them.

"Hey," asked the bright pink queen bee, "anybody know what happened to Christi and Matt?"

"Their parents wouldn't sign the paper." The classroom silenced a moment, torn between sympathy for poor Christi and Matt, and a desire to join them in the library, reading fantasy books.

"Guess they just ain't ready to play with the big kids!" quipped the first boy.

"You guys know what that means, don't you?" asked a girl in one of the middle rows.

"You obviously do Lee, why don't you enlighten us?" asked the second boy sarcastically.

"What it means, Marc," Lee snapped. "Is that they're gonna get the talk from their _parents_."

"Ugh," Voiced the class as one. They lapsed back into silence.

"That sucks." One kid finally said, just as the door opened. The students gasped as their teacher walked in, Marc fell from his desk. No one dared move.

Darth Vader surveyed the students and once again wondered what he had done to land himself here. With a wave of his hand the desks straightened out. Students scrambled to their proper places and sat up straight. He looked at the lesson plan firmly attached to the clipboard, and back to the class, he straightened his tie. Except for his steady breathing, and the whimpering of the 'yo mama' boy in back, the room was silent. Ah, the power of the dark side. "I am Mr. Lewis." He introduced, glad that his masked covered the twitch of his eye at the pseudonym.

"No you're not." Lee said, her voice returned.

"Yes, I am."

"No, you're not." She repeated. The other students were looking at each other, to Vader and back at Lee with a measure of both amazement and fear. They knew she was a know it all, but…arguing with Darth Vader? "You're Darth Vader."

"That resemblance," Lee's hands shot to her throat as she was temporarily rendered unable to speak, "is deceptive." Everyone watched with wide eyes as Lee's face turned first blue, then purple, she grabbed an open box of gobstoppers and threw it at the dark lord, he released her from the force choke as his respirator sucked in one of the candies. It stuck in the front. Marc stifled a laugh. Vader glared at Lee as best he could from behind black transparasteel, she glared back. "Fine," he admitted, realizing that the Force choke definitely could leave him susceptible to a lawsuit. "I look like Darth Vader. For your rudeness you will receive a week's detention. Are you finished?"

Lee nodded, breathing deeply as her color returned to normal. Vader removed the gobstopper from his mask and dropped it in the trash.

"I am your sex ed teacher."


	2. Monday:Part B

Monday, part two

Hey. This has been sitting on my hardrive for god knows how long. If anyone cares to beta…feel free to contact me.

Disclaimer: Vader is not mine. If he were, you could be assured some sense would have been beaten into him by now…

----

After Lee's stunning display of defiance, was it any surprise that the students were not perfectly silent during role? Considering this fact, and their teacher's short temper, was it any surprise that Vader got to use his little known ability for Force Smacking?

Upon the first smack, most realized who it was.

The room became silent.

"Today class," he waved his hand and the projector turned on, "we will be learning about the reproductive organs." The class shifted noticeably back, he flicked a switch and the movie started. "Enjoy."

Lee, Marc, and several other kids were turning a rather interesting shade of pink. Pity. The movie was only ten minutes, after which, they'd never be quite the same.

Someone in the back of the room was whispering, giggles spread like ripples in water. Vader smacked her. Insolent brat.

"OW! KAREN!" The girl pushed her neighbor from her seat. "What was that for?"

Karen pushed the girl back, "I didn't do it! Why don't you take your—"

"That," Vader said, flicking on the lights (the movie had finished), "will be quite enough, detentions to the both of you." Protests were immediately launched.

"I didn't do anything!"

"MY FATHER WILL HEAR ABOUT THIS!"

"You started it." Lee whispered

"I CAN'T GET A DETENTION!"

"IT'S NOT FAIR!"

"Silence." And they obeyed. "This is not up for discussion. Are there any questions regarding the film?" The students were curious, he could tell, but terrified to ask. Their loss, if they wished to consult their parents for more information that was their choice, actually, come to think of it, that was their homework. He handed out a worksheet. "We have another half-hour. During which time we will review." He turned on the overhead, "Now, can anyone tell me where the ovaries are?" Lee remained blessedly silent, so did everyone else. "Lee?" Before Lee could answer, Marc's face became an odd shade of green. He raised his hand.

"Did our parents actually… like … actually …do that?" Vader nodded. Marc launched out of his seat and to the trash can, proceeding to puke up his breakfast.

Vader ignored this new development. "Lee, answer the question!" She was staring wide-eyed, along with everyone else, at Marc. "Lee, answer the question!" Marc finished puking.

"I think I have just lost any and all respect I ever had for my parents." He whispered. "Can I go rinse out my mouth?"

"No."

"but-"

"No." Vader repeated. "Lee, you have received a lucky break. Thank Marc for answering your question."

"Thanks." She whispered.

"Uhhh…"

"Answer the question Marc."

"There?" he pointed to a spot on the screen, hoping he was right.

"No." Vader told him. "That would be my finger. Class, these are the ovaries, as you can see, they are not connected to the fallopian tubes. Marc sit down." Nobody moved. "Well, come on, label them!" The class proceeded like this, the whole hour. Not even Lee would venture an answer.

Ten seconds to the bell.

"Class-"

Nine

"Tonights homework-" Was anyone listening? Why were their eyes situated on the wall?

Eight

"Is to speak with—"

Seven.

"Your parents." Everyone's faces were back to him. Some showing hatred deeper than his for Obi-wan

Six

Lee raised her hand.

Five

"Yes?"

Four.

"I live with my sister."

Three

"You may speak with her-"

Two

"Do not think you can 'forget' your homework."

One

"I will know"

RRRRRRRRRRRRRing


	3. Tuesday

Tuesday

Disclaimer: I don't own Vader. Palpatine does. Lucas owns Palpy and by extension Vader.

Enjoy…

---

Vader purposefully strode down the hallway. When one is second-in-command of the entire Galactic Empire, walking does not quite cut it.

The fact that he was teaching sex ed was irrelevant.

One particularly annoying student was sitting outside the classroom. Crying. He ignored her and walked in. He sat at his desk, opened his briefcase, and waited for the bell.

Lee came stumbling in along with the rest of the class, seconds before it rang.

When everyone was situated, and role was finished, he asked the fateful question. "Did you do your homework?"

Lee's sobbing grew louder.

"Stop crying." He snapped. "What did you learn last night?"

"My-my sister, is psycho!" she wailed. "She made me…. she made me…she made me read smut!" and, as if this revelation was not bad enough "VADER SMUT!"

This was not what he had in mind.

"What's smut?" someone asked. They waited for Lee to answer. She could not.

Vader was quite incapable of comforting her. "Lee stop!" he commanded. "You're getting your desk wet!" this was obviously the wrong choice of words, she started wailing louder. "Lee, stop it now!" she kept on shaking her head and whimpering, but the sobbing subsided. "Anybody else learn something…disturbing about or from their guardians?"

"My Dad bought me a playboy."

"My parents are scared of me."

"My Mom told me to shut up."

"I'm adopted."

"Mommy gave me condoms and told me to be careful."

"Daddy says he's paying _you_ to do this."

"My Dad tried to explain it…" one child began, "and then he went into some sort of Star Wars analogy, and he wasn't talking loud enough and I couldn't understand him."

_Oh Force_, Vader thought, _Here we go…_

"Yeah," Marc interrupted, "My Mom did the same thing, 'cept she used Jesus. Something about an immaculate conception, and why there's no way in hell—"

"What does that mean?"

"A virgin birth." Vader answered.

"Everyone is born a virgin!" snapped the tomboy, she was Force Smacked and Vader continued.

"When the mother is a virgin."

Marc got another one of those weird looks on his face and Vader dismissed him to go puke. The child whose father had used the Star Wars analogy raised his hand, "Does that mean that your mom and the Force…" his voice trailed off. "EWWW!"

Vader had never thought of it like that. Lee wailed again. "My mother is not up for discussion. Lee, are you okay?" She clapped her hands over her eyes and nodded. Marc returned to the room looking rather pale. He'd thought children were more resilient than this. "You're going to have to uncover your eyes for the movie."

She shook her head. "I'll listen." She whispered.

"You'll watch." He turned on the projector and pried Lee's hands off her eyes with the Force. Her eyes were bloodshot and puffy; her sister had probably traumatized her for life. "Today we are examining menstruation and other aspects of the feminine reproductive cycle in further detail…yes Karen?"

"Why?"

"Ladies first."


End file.
